Conversation

Do you want to be right? Or be learning? To be the tyranical king, or the self-transforming fool? I think that conversation is a tool that we have that can help us progress and process. Jordan Peterson says "Writing is thinking formalized. You gain the ability to think by first learning to write very, very carefully. Then, when you can write effectively, you can do anything you want, and no one will stop you." Not that my goal with writing is to become some powerful, crazy (already that), person, but I'm constantly trying to give my brain some relief in the aspect of processing. Writing is a great way for me to do that, but another way would be through conversation. Let's talk.

So, in my mind there are two aspects of conversation, and one is SIGNIFIGANTLY harder than the other. Theres speaking, and there's listening. I say this as someone who struggles with listening and intently and deeply listening. I think its a skill that constantly needs to be honed. Often times we get into conversations, especially heated ones, where we say our piece, but more so are anticipating our next response rather than hearing and interpreting the other side. I think the problem with these conversations as well is that we bring emotion into them. We hear what is said, or not said, and start to paint a picture in our head what we want or how we want the conversation to go. We start to place an expectation on the conversation, we start to place a goal on the conversation. We want to win the conversation. As you read that I hope that you find it comical because it should be. The goal of conversation is not to win, its to grow.

I think another complication in conversation is this paradigm that has a name and I am too lazy to google it. The idea is surrounding perspective. There is what you said, what they heard, what you thought they heard, and what they thought you said. Our brains have this sneaky little way of tuning certain things out. Especially when we're emotionally charged. Our perspective changes, we get invested, we start to see the person as an adversary, someone who's threatening our tribe, our beliefs, and rather than realizing that we are not our beliefs or ideologies, we take a position that no longer allows the conversation to be productive. So, acknowledging that we can bring bias into our conversation, a skewed view, is something to focus on when getting into heavy topics and subjects.

What is easiest yet often the most focused on is our own words. What we bring to the table. Ensuring that our beliefs are heard, that we communicate how we feel, that we showcase our value. I think that taking time to ensure that what we're saying is understood and or clarified by the other party is a great ask and step to continue to ensure the conversation can be productive. When it all clicks and it all comes together you have this feeling of engrossment or encapsulation where even in a conversation where your points differ or you disagree, you find meaning. You find understanding, you find compromise and compassion. A feeling of rightness, a feeling of comfort or growth. With certain people this feeling will come easy, with others more difficult, but just as with any skill having a conversation about a difficult topic in a long form setting, will take time. Will take patience. Will take discipline. Often times we over estimate our capabilities. We overestimate our span and reach of knowledge that we have. So, I guess to end this, although I dont know why I'm even writing this, is do you want to continue to believe that you are always right? Or become the self-transforming fool?

On purpose,

Matt